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Weaning a toddler from breastfeeding (over 2 years old)

Weaning a toddler from breastfeeding (over 2 years old)

It is pretty common, far more common than it seems, that when you have a happy breastfeeding journey, the months go by, and you don’t consider weaning in the short/medium term. But then suddenly, the child has grown, almost without you realizing it, and sometimes because of a new pregnancy, an increasing breastfeeding demand from our child, or sometimes because life is like that, the word “weaning” begins to appear in your emotions, with more and more force.

There comes a day, one of these, where breastfeeding aversion takes center stage, especially if it’s “tantrum season,” that you decide to look for information because the mere thought of weaning overwhelms you. But the fact of continuing to breastfeed overwhelms you even more, so that’s when you think of the famous phrase that you have read absolutely everywhere dedicated to breastfeeding: “Breastfeeding is a matter of two.”

Well then, if it is a matter of two, I no longer want to continue, and therefore, breastfeeding must come to an end.

So try to google “Weaning 2 year old child”.

When you start reading, you find out that the most common tips are techniques such as “don’t offer, don’t refuse, “skip feeds, “make deals or exchanges,” and a long list of others.
You will also come across a long list of blaming such as:

“Think about it, breastfeeding is a gift for your child”, “Think that you are taking away their most precious thing”, and so on. As you read all of these articles, it is very clear that these tips have not taken into account many mothers and children, where, whether it’s because of temperament or because of the situation, nothing seems to work.
I would like to dive deep into the topic and to keep such a tremendously complex topic simple; I will sort it by myths:

Myth nr. 1: they space out feeds with age

When your baby is two months old and breastfeeding day and night, the wise words of those around you encourage you by saying: “Don’t worry, with time, babies space out the feeds, and you will be able to relax again.”

Yes, you will be able to relax more, that’s true, but not because the child will space out the feeds, but because you adapt to their demand, and your baby will breastfeed more effectively with time. So they get what they need within a few minutes, and those eternal soothing pacifier feeds become less and less.

Myth nr. 2: “Breastfeeding is the most precious thing you can give your child”

Okay, we won’t deny the super properties of breast milk, but, sorry: the most precious good for your child is love, their mother’s love, unconditional love, not breastfeeding itself.
There are many ways to express love and many ways not to express it, and breastfeeding against your will is one of those ways not to do it; therefore, breastfeeding reluctantly is not at all the most precious gift.

Myth nr.3: If you want to wean, reduce the feeds.

But wasn’t breastfeeding on demand? Did I miss something here? How do I drop feeds when one afternoon my little one has 4 and another one 8 feeds?
If your time has come and you are sure about it.

So, how do we go about it?

1. Don’t offer, don’t refuse: this technique is very, very good, especially for younger babies or for children who do not really show an intense interest in breastfeeding. But for demanding toddlers who ask for breastfeeding at every corner and feed with devotion at every feed, this offer not to refuse doesn’t work unless you know that the time frame will be very long, and here we are talking about months or years.

2. Negotiate, explain, replace feeds with tickling: the same is true here as with the above recommendation. This can work; I won’t say it doesn’t, but it only works with some children; with others, it simply doesn’t. And it doesn’t work because the toddler just needs to get sight of you and will latch on to the breast even more intensely.

Once when I was in the middle of weaning, I talked to a friend, and she told me a great truth: “For you, your boob is yours, but for your child, it’s hers.”

And here I got a big eureka moment: of course, she was breastfed from birth and has always had it on her demand, now explain to her that it’s over. It’s clear that we are in a big conflict: I want my breast back, and she wants her booby, but her booby and my breasts are attached to me.

So it’s unlikely that from here on, and having tried all methods from the manual without success, weaning will be sweet.

No, it won’t be. Your child will cry, scream, and kick, and so will you. This is a reality that is not usually contemplated in the breastfeeding manuals, but it is so, and especially if we are talking about toddlers from 1 to 4 years old.

Yes, breastfeeding with toddlers/children who have already asserted themselves as an individual being, who know what they want and whose sense of ownership is totally egocentric can be chaotic and often a very tyrannical experience. Weaning at this age can be simple, and it is in many cases, or it can be very complicated, as in many other cases, too.

So what’s left for us?

To accompany each other. Know that this drama will last a few days (sometimes more, sometimes less), give them all the love you can and many hugs, and if your child rejects you, respect them, stay close but with the distance they need. Use all your resources and all your love, and give yourself permission to cry with your child, and it will pass. Of course, it will pass! In a few days, your toddler will understand what the word “end” means and will accept it because they will have no other choice.

And won’t they be traumatized?

Speaking rigorously, I have not found any study that reveals children traumatized by “forced” weaning. It is a matter of frustration; yes, they will get frustrated and very frustrated, and they will learn from it, just as you will learn from it.
There are intermediate methods when you realize that weaning is not going to be sweet and will have to be radical, such as putting band-aids on your nipples, rubbing garlic on your nipples, and leaving the child with someone else for a few days.
Some of these methods may not seem very respectful of the child.

In this regard, mothering is also about finding the balance between their needs and your own needs. Attachment parenting is not only giving the child everything they need, but doing it with love and respect, and you must respect yourself too, find the rhythm, feel your limits, and mother with joy.

And don’t forget the basics for your body if you decide to wean regarding the care of your breasts:

  • If during the process, you do not feel any discomfort, nor do you feel your breasts heavy or engorged, you don’t need to do anything special; your breast milk will disappear gradually.
  • If, on the other hand, you notice engorgement, tightness, lumps, and so on, it is recommended that you remove some of the breast milk. Don’t be afraid to overproduce or get more milk. It’s so the mammary gland can reduce production, and that is achieved by expressing the right amount of milk and leaving some milk inside your breasts, but without discomfort or pain. Express milk manually or with a breast pump until you feel relief in your breasts. If you notice any lumps, you can accompany the extraction with a massage to drain the milk.
  • You can also apply cold and ask your doctor to prescribe anti-inflammatory medication.
  • Medication “to dry up breastmilk ” (Cabergoline) is not useful during the weaning of an already established lactation.
  • Never bendage the breasts, don’t stop drinking liquids and don’t avoid the use of a breast pump. These are outdated advice that not only do not work, but can lead to complications that can become serious.
  • Your emotions can make everything wobble, so make sure you read this post about weaning and the emotions of the mother.

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