I am a mom of a six-year-old girl and a twenty-five-month-old toddler with whom I just started weaning five days ago. I thought I was totally ready, but as I keep him away from my breast, I realize that I would still love to have him attached for another few months. But then I remember the anxiety I felt in the last few weeks and I stand my ground again.

Leo is a high-demand baby. I found this out because I could see that he was not a baby like many around me or his sister, and although I tried not to compare, it was impossible for me to realize that his level of demand was excessive. He never lowered the level of breastfeeding demand, and no matter how many months went by, I saw myself in the same situation all the time; it was like “Groundhog Day”. I would spend the whole day stopping every half hour to take the breast out. At night, he suckled so much that I suffered lower back pain because I kept the same position in bed, and my arms are still so stiff, that I suffer from pain every day. Not to mention my personal or social life, in twenty-five months I have not been able to go out with my friends, once I went to the theater and when I got home I found my partner desperate for his few resources to calm him down (his lack of breasts basically) and my son broken with anxiety. We have not been able to have a couple’s life at any time, nor take a break for a day, an afternoon or a few hours. Because my son was not able to be without breastfeeding for that long. It has been exhausting, at times it has caused me a lot of anxiety and even a feeling of refusal to not want to give him the breast anymore. But I kept going a little longer, because I understood that if the WHO recommended us to breastfeed until the age of two, I was not going to be the one to throw in the towel early, so I foolishly demanded it of myself.

Therefore, even though I didn’t feel like continuing on many occasions, I continued with our breastfeeding journey. I admit that in the last few months and a little before his second birthday, Leo relaxed a bit and was able to be out without asking for the breast. But then came the lockdown, and I went back to being my son’s only treasure almost 24/7. My partner had to keep going to work and I was left with both of them until late in the afternoon. I couldn’t cook, eat, go to the bathroom, work from home, take care of my other daughter, let alone have a few minutes to myself. I accept the level of sacrifice having children implies, but this price was excessive. I wanted to live motherhood without the deep anxiety that its intensity caused me.

A month later, Leo turned two years old and I began to seriously consider giving up breastfeeding. But it was very difficult for me to take the step, particularly because I practice respectful parenting and any weaning that is not natural and progressive seems very disrespectful to me. I tried several times to explain to my son that mommy was tired of giving him the breast or that when he asked for it in public, he had to wait until we got home

After lockdown, he was again very insistent when we were out and about. One day, he kept me in bed in the morning for over an hour; he just wouldn’t let me get up because every time I tried to get my breast out, he would throw a tantrum so I couldn’t let go. I was late for work, they were late for the daycare, and it was not the only time, Leo was constantly dominating the pace of the family. So, after that stormy morning, I decided to put a band-aid on my nipple. It wasn’t my idea of respectful weaning and certainly not what I had intended for us, but I needed to stop this pace, and he understood. He understood that the breast is feeling unwell and seeing it happening, he accepted it, at least during the day. At night, I am still having a harder time to calm him down, but it’s getting a little less difficult every night.

We had a very difficult weekend, Leo understood when he saw the band-aid that I was not available and he kissed my breast in the hope that it would heal as soon as possible, and my heart was breaking. This weaning process has made me suffer a lot because I couldn’t even enjoy our last day of breastfeeding, our last experience was very stressful for me. But I am left with twenty-five months of breastfeeding journey that started out difficult, but came out of it with strong will and patience. A wonderful breastfeeding journey, with precious moments of gushing love. Watching him feed from me, calm down through me and feel at home with me… I gave him the best of myself, unconditionally.

Now Leo is doing a little better, after the first three days, he is calmer, I notice he is less anxious and he is starting to eat more, before he was having more breastmilk than solid food. I also notice, that he is sleeping better, because he was waking up an average of ten times a night, and these last days, he has woken up twice. It seems like the situation is getting back to normal and we are both accepting our new life, together but with a little more space. I miss giving him the breast, I won’t deny it, I even still get emotional when I think that this stage is over, but I think it will be good for both of us, and it will be good for him to have a more relaxed and happier mom. Two years and one month felt very short, but I know that the other stages that await us will be wonderful and we will enjoy each other more, not only Leo and I but the rest of the family as well.

Veronica