Let’s help all those relatives, friends, neighbors, and complete strangers who come across breastfeeding mothers in their lives. It turns out that when they come face to face with a mother, they don’t know what to say and end up saying any nonsense that, in the best of cases, can end up with the mother’s eyes rolling. Here is what you should NEVER say to a breastfeeding mother:

1. “You’re not doing it right.”

Here, we include phrases such as “you are not holding the baby well,” “the baby looks uncomfortable in your arms,” “leave the baby in the crib to rest,” “Let me do it, I can do this better,” “you can tell you are a first-time mom,” “you are making your baby nervous”… or any other sentence that suggests that the mother is not taking care of the baby in the right way.

Even if she is not doing well according to your criteria, none of these phrases will help the mother to do better; on the contrary, it will surely undermine her self-esteem even more and cause her to sink further.

If you want to help, reach out and offer your help for everything other than caring for her baby: serve her food and pick up her things so she can do what no one else can. Don’t be judgmental. Just try.

2. “Don’t complain, don’t worry, it’s ok.”

Perhaps because we have little emotional education, probably because we have been taught to react this way when a person expresses their discomfort, we respond with a “calm down, it’s ok” with the intention that the complaint will stop and we can return to the comfort that there is nothing wrong. But this sentence, or any of its variants, should be totally off-limits. Why?

First of all, we all have the right to complain and express our feelings. As much as we might want to breastfeed, expectations are very different from reality.

Using the words “it’s ok,” no matter how much you say it, the words do not have magical powers to make the other person calm down and get happy. So instead of asking them to calm down, let’s listen, accompany, and hug. This way, the mother will calm down, but we will also promote empathy and well-being.

“Don’t worry, it’s ok,” it’s not! Trying to play down what a mother feels does not help her to feel better. For her, it is a hard and perhaps critical moment, and if it is bad, something is wrong. Ignoring feelings only makes it worse.

3. “Are you breastfeeding again? Seems like your milk doesn’t fill up.”

No, babies do not breastfeed every three hours and then sleep. On the contrary, when breastfeeding has been well established, babies usually suckle constantly, even as often as every hour for the first few days. So often, people who spend time with a new mother are surprised that she breastfeeds the baby many more times, and then they try to find a “rational” explanation for why the baby could need to breastfeed so often. Babies are going to nurse very often, and if you feel to comment about it, it might be something like, “This baby really knows how to get what she needs,” or acknowledge the mother for her dedication, for example, “your baby so lucky to have you close and be feeding so well.”

4. “You shouldn’t eat certain food“.

There seems to be a blacklist of foods that a nursing mother should not eat. This list changes depending on the area where you live: fizzy soft drinks, asparagus, garlic, spicy food, citrus fruits, beans, fish, broccoli, cabbage, pineapple, and so on; the list is endless!

But, it’s a fact that there are no forbidden foods during breastfeeding. Everything a breastfeeding mother eats flavors her breast milk in a subtle way. In fact, this is the reason why certain foods will be so well received when the baby begins to taste them themselves.

In short, every mother already knows what she should eat. She already knows that she should eat healthy, not because of breastfeeding, but for herself and her health. So, a good alternative to this comment would be simply saying, “Enjoy your meal.”

5. “You should eat/drink this to make your milk better or make more milk.”

Breast milk is perfect. There is nothing that mothers should eat to make their milk better because it is already perfect for the baby. They can eat and drink whatever they feel like having. Forget about finding the magic food to improve breastmilk quality or to get more milk because it doesn’t exist; it’s a myth. Like anyone else, you should try to keep healthy eating habits for yourself, to stay healthier, and pass on those habits to your children. But it is clear that this is a decision for herself and not for anyone else around her to take.

6. “You should quit” (when the mother is in pain)

Any mother can feel overwhelmed by certain situations, just like everyone else. Everybody would feel overwhelmed by such a lack of sleep, the tremendous responsibility of caring for a baby, and, in this case, the drawback of being in pain. But that does not mean new mothers are helpless beings who cannot judge their situation and make their own decisions. If a mother wants to continue breastfeeding or stop, it is her decision, and no one should influence the path she wants to take. Because you put yourself in front of a mother and judge her, what you achieve is to become something else that the mother has to manage.

Any mother is independent enough to seek help to enable her to do what she wants, whether this is to stop breastfeeding or to continue breastfeeding.

7. Blame it on breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is often the great scapegoat of all evils. Because of breastfeeding, babies do everything they do: they want to be alone with their mothers, they don’t sleep enough, they don’t eat enough, they don’t talk enough, they don’t move enough, they don’t get up enough… and any “not enough” we can think of when they are little.

When a baby does not do what they are expected to do, such as staying with a family member without crying, happy, and, if possible, asleep, the dreaded comment “This is because you are breastfeeding” comes out. If this person worries about being left with a baby without having enough resources to calm them down, put them to sleep, or entertain them, it’s not to blame on breastfeeding. It is neither the baby nor the mother’s fault that babies are not well enough integrated into society and that their needs are so little understood.

8. “You shouldn’t breastfeed here” (wherever you are)

No one has the right to tell a baby where it can eat. Mothers have the right to breastfeed wherever they want. The baby needs it, and the mother needs it. Breastfeeding must be offered on demand for it to work well. If you tell off a breastfeeding mother, you can do a lot of harm; you can make that woman afraid to go out in case the baby asks for breastfeeding, you can make that breastfeeding journey end sooner than she would like, and you can spoil something extraordinary that works perfectly. There is a fantastic quote going around social media to which we would like to refer: if it annoys you to see a mother breastfeeding, look the other way, just as you do when you see poverty, violence, injustice, and bad politics. It’s not that hard. Live and let live.

9. “So big and still breastfeeding!”

Breastfeeding is the best and the most beautiful thing while a baby is still a newborn. And then comes the time when the baby is a few months old, and looks of surprise and even disgust start to appear. It is hard to believe, but breastfeeding has no expiry date, there is no countdown, and there is no reason to give up breastfeeding at a certain age. If you feel like discussing this topic with the mother, change it to “I’m surprised she still breastfeeds; I didn’t know that; tell me more,” and you’ll see the world open up before your eyes.

10. Tell scary stories

“Are you breastfeeding? Oh, well, my cousin breastfed, and it was horrible.” Let’s see, when someone will drive, do you tell them the same thing? “Are you going to drive? Oh, well, my cousin had a horrible car accident.” No, right? Then, don’t tell a breastfeeding mother scary stories about breastfeeding. She gets enough comments from pretty much everyone. Discuss it with someone else who is no longer breastfeeding, and they will be happy to gossip with you. Let this mother enjoy her breastfeeding journey and, if anything, listen to and accompany her in this experience, encourage her, respect her, and enjoy witnessing life before your eyes.